Sun is rising.

I’ve laid bouncing between involuntary awareness and black-out blankness. Turning over and over and over like a crocodile in a death roll. It’s all my fault. It’s all perfectly ok. I hear that some monks, during their training, only sleep 3 hours a night.

Disconnected from the rabble routine,
so totally disconnected,
my sleep patterns are my own.
I go to sleep and wake up according to my own rhythm.

But, my rhythm is not even my own. It is my mother’s.
She laid the conditions and causes for my twisting and turning all night.

Twisted my heart,
tested my mental fortitude,
I won’t turn back.

She set me on this uncharted path,
with infinite branching potentials,
and not a single destination.

There is no reason to wake up.
No reason to go to sleep.

Yet,
I wake up,
I share the lessons received from the voices,
I glue words to the internet — so full of so many little partitions.
They are all emoting like me, at me, with me, for me.

After high school I began my education.
I took my graduation money and bought books from the spiritual traditions and the philosophizing westerners.
Of all the things I took on,
I have shaken them all,
but one thing remains,
the piercing truth of Buddha Dharma will not be shaken.

Raging against all the machines,
I have trouble,
experiencing resistance,
when I begin to rage against the Sangha Machine.

According to my calculation, all priests are wicked.
Yet, I cannot find reason to remain critical of the Buddha’s Sangha.
It’s persistence through history,
and its ability to support wisdom all the while,
I am in awe. Marveling. In rapture, I experience pleasure– with pleasure, the mind grows calm.

Today will be a day like the rest of the days. It will be completely unique. I cannot say what this day will bring, it all depends on what I choose to bring to the day. Not sure what I will bring yet.

I’ve got residual anger, loneliness, general slow and weak depression is overwhelming my experience– time for counteraction– giving and taking, pushing against, meeting forces with their equal opposite. I will meet this day with joy.

I will go out and around for absolutely NO REASON.
I will travel miles and miles, looking at all the faces and making eye contact so I may assess the kamma and see their fruits.
I am not ashamed, I can read your mind.

The angels will stop me and we will talk about something uplifting.
Devas will swing low and whisper to me about the unconditioned, the deathless, tathata, dharmata, and I will smile and wave, saying: “dharmakaya, dharmakaya, dharmakaya”.

There is no rest here. The worldly work is never done. Dogs are eating dogs and the three evils are celebrated constantly. My people, this society, we encourage the worst aspects of our nature: Greed, Hatred, Ignorance. It’s not looking like it will turn out very well.

So long and thanks for all the struggle!
So long and thanks for all the sorrow!
So long and thanks for all the pain.

I built this machine, just so I could rage against it.

 

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